I sat in my therapist's office yesterday, snuggled under the blanket on the couch and said (would have rather screamed but I was being aware of the other people in the building) ... "WHY do these new patterns take sooooooo eff-ing long to set in???"
I think I ask this question an average of 3.7 times a week.
"the beauty of smeared mess"
I get it, neural pathways and blah-blah-blah...but I have to be honest, sometimes I wonder if electro-shock therapy wouldn't feel easier, because today here I sit - revisiting one of my "things." Money management. The checks and balances, spread sheets, black and white. "The numbers don't lie" kind of things that cause me to put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes and yell in my whiniest toddler voice "I CAN"T HEAR YOU!!!!!" And then after doing that, I sprinkle the glittery dust of disillusion over everything and do something like go shopping with my almost maxed out credit card for things that I don't really need and pretend like it all isn't happening. All while gasping for the breath of honesty within the oppressive blanket of shame.
And then I add reading the news and seeing pictures of dead children with white foam oozing from there noses. It's enough to make me want to throw in the towel and call it quits.
SHOOOOOOWHEEEEEEE THAT IS SOME DRAMATIC FEELING SHIT, Y'ALL!
But guess what! I didn't throw in the towel...hence I sit here at my computer writing it all out. Within the drama and shame's attempt to keep me in the same groove - I DID THE WORK. I didn't do it on my own either. Jason did it with me. We asked the hard questions, said the shame inducing things out loud, pulled the rug out from under our attempt to find the thing outside of ourselves to blame AND TOOK RESPONSIBILITY. (que superhero stance and victory music)
"small steps towards progress"
No, the money stuff didn't then magically go away or get fixed.
BUT I feel my grooves changing. Slowly and surely, the new pathways are becoming more comfortable. My brain is so tired...but not in the emotionally strung out way. It's a deep, heavy, earthy way that makes me breathe more slowly and and soften my overly furrowed eyebrows.
It feels GOOD! In the midst of the mess, it's a comforting safe space that I am just now...after 35 years, learning to find within myself. So I'm here to say...WE CAN DO IT. We can work hard, take responsibility for our actions or non-actions and make changes. It's slow and challenging and mostly uphill. But along that uphill pathway, we can pause - take it all in and make sense of it.
From there, we move forward. And in my case I paint some flowers, give some flowers and put a pretty Instagram filter on it all and share it with the world. Because that's what helps me make it stick. There are many other ways to do it, so my wish for you is that you find your way. May we all continue to dig in to the feelings and keep on keepin' on...TOGETHER.
"the pretty filter"